Somewhere in Italy circa 1944, a squad of American soldiers is waiting for other squads to show when they’re ambushed by Nazi soldiers. Despite being outnumbered, Sergeant Stone (Thomerson) and his men manage to kill them all leaving only the no-nonsense Stone, eager beaver Joey Verona (Van Patten), the burly Mittens (La Fleur), and war correspondent Charlie Dolan (Manard). They escape into the woods behind enemy lines only to find out that both their radio and compass don’t work. While out hunting for food, Dolan and Mittens stumble across a Nazi camp. Stone and Verona go looking for them and discover a crashed alien spacecraft. From this point on, Zone Troopers is an engaging mash-up of war movie and science fiction tale.

The casting of Tim Thomerson and Art La Fleur is spot on as they both look like they literally stepped out of a vintage World War II film. Thomerson in particular is excellent as the two-fisted sergeant with a reputation for being unkillable. The way he acts and carries himself would’ve made ideal casting for an adaptation of Nick Fury and the Howling Commandoes back in the 1980’s when this film was made.

The screenplay by Danny Bilson and Paul De Meo does a good job of replicating the classic World War II movie, right down to the authentic-sounding period dialogue while seamlessly mixing in elements of the 1950’s space alien film. It makes sense that they would go on to adapt The Rocketeer, Dave Stevens’ comic book homage to 1930’s serial adventures, into a film.

The opening gun battle sets the right tone of a vintage World War II B-movie by way of Sam Fuller complete with pulpy period dialogue and a gruff squad leader that almost makes one forget about the cheap production values that, rather than detract from the enjoyment of the film, give it plenty of scrappy charm. As the film progresses, the production values improve in spots, like when Stone and Verona search inside the giant spacecraft.

For a low-budget B-movie, Zone Troopers is refreshingly ambitious with its intentions to blend science fiction with the war movie. What makes it work so well is that the filmmakers are obviously taking it seriously as opposed to poking fun at both genres. They make sure that the actors play it straight as well. That’s not to say the film isn’t without its humorous moments but they are used sparingly. Zone Troopers is an entertaining film that celebrates its pulpy roots.

Special Features:

Theatrical trailer.

When a 7,500 ton freighter is mysteriously lost in the South Seas off Japan, the authorities are baffled. Soon afterwards, a fishing boat is destroyed in the same manner: from an underwater explosion. It is a mine? An underwater volcano? There are only a few survivors and one of them claims to have seen a creature in the water. Some elderly citizens immediately claim that it was Godzilla, a creature that lives in the sea and occasionally surfaces to feed on mankind when food in the ocean is scarce.

Sure enough, late one stormy night, something destroys several houses in a village in such a way that it could not have been the result of natural causes, like a hurricane. Director Ishiro Honda wisely prolongs the first actual appearance of Godzilla for 21 minutes, cleverly employing traditional horror film techniques to create tension and build anticipation. We never actually see the monster in the initial attacks – just a hint of him but nevertheless his presence looms large, much like with King Kong (1933). When we finally do catch a good glimpse of the creature, it is little more than a head but it is a fantastic shot that effectively establishes his massive scale and is more than enough to send the locals running for their lives.

The country’s leading scientist Professor Yamane (Shimura) theorizes that Godzilla is the result of atomic testing, a mutation that exists to punish his country for dabbling in the dangerous waters of atomic energy and radiation. Naturally, the Japanese government wants to destroy Godzilla but Yamane respects the beast and wants to study it. Yamane represents a sobering humanistic voice that mirrored Honda’s own beliefs and acts as a sharp contrast to the government’s foolhardy shoot first, ask questions later attitude.

Look past the guy in the rubber suit and the obvious miniatures and you’ve got atmospheric black and white cinematography by Masao Tamai that is haunting, especially the night scenes with an almost silhouetted Godzilla destroying Tokyo that is a devastating site to behold.

Godzilla was born from the ashes of A-bomb attacks on Hiroshima and Nagasaki – the fallout of which Honda witnessed first hand. In fact, the film’s opening scene, where a freighter is destroyed by an explosion from under the water, was a reference to an incident in which a tuna trawler got too close to an H-bomb test courtesy of the United States and its crew became sick with radiation poisoning. With this knowledge, it’s hard not to see Godzilla’s swath of destruction through urban Japan as a metaphor for the A-bomb and a powerful critique of the dangers of atomic radiation. This is what elevates Godzilla above countless other monster movies from the 1950’s and has inspired countless sequels that have transformed the giant monster into a pop culture icon. The Japanese version is the way this film was meant to be seen with all of the stark footage of the dead, maimed and shell-shocked and numerous the A-bomb references – something that is missing from subsequent sequels that have turned into admittedly entertaining battle royales.

Special Features:

A few years ago, Classic Media released an excellent special edition of Godzilla with an unimpressive transfer and a decent collection of supplemental material, none of which has been carried over to the Criterion Collection’s new and improved edition so completists may want to hold onto that previous incarnation. As you would expect, Criterion’s transfer is near flawless and a significant improvement on the Classic Media version, making it more than worth the upgrade.

The first disc features an audio commentary by film historian David Kalat who provides a nice mix of analysis and production information. He goes into great detail examining the relationships between the characters and their purpose in the film. Kalat also touches upon the difference between the Japanese and American names for Godzilla. He also good-naturedly addresses the absurdity of the oxygen destroyer and other scientific inaccuracies. At times, he comes across as a little too enthusiastic but this is tempered by his encyclopedia knowledge of all things Godzilla.

“Photographic Effects” features effects director Kawakita and effects photographer Motoyoshi Tomioka revealing how some of the special effects for Godzilla were done with examples from unused footage. They point out the extensive use of matte paintings and composite shots.

Japanese film critic Tadao Sato examines Godzilla’s role in Japanese culture. He remembers seeing the film when it first came out and recalls his first impressions. He also points out how aspects of the film evoked memories of the atomic bomb attacks on Japan.

“The Unluckiest Dragon” is a 2011 audio essay about the Daigo Fukuryu Maru fishing boat tragedy that inspired parts of Godzilla. The crew witnessed a powerful U.S. atomic bomb test and became sick with radiation poisoning. This essay examines the socio-political implications of the incident.

Also included is a theatrical trailer.

For completists, both versions – the original 98 minute Japanese version and the 80 minute Hollywood version, entitled Godzilla, King of the Monsters – are included, each on their own disc, but after seeing the original it is really hard to go back to the other. American movie producers acquired the North American rights and promptly Americanized the movie, inserting a reporter played by Raymond Burr with only 60 minutes of the original film intact, the rest was cut and new footage shot. Criterion has also included a trailer and David Kalat returns for a commentary where he starts off by providing the brief backstory to the nuclear arms race between Russia and the U.S. He discusses the Americanization of Godzilla including its unusual structure of flashbacks, which he explains may actually be reminiscent of film noir.

There is an interview with actor Akira Takarada who talks about his experience working on Godzilla. He talks about his initial impressions of the screenplay and tells several filming anecdotes, including working with the legendary Takashi Shimura (The Seven Samurai).

Godzilla performer Haruo Nakajima (who played the creature in 12 films) talks about the challenges he faced playing the iconic monster. He recalls being told to study King Kong for how to move like a mythical creature. He talks about what it was like moving inside the suit and how he had to adjust his performance.

Features effects technicians Yoshio Irie and Eizo Kaimai talk about their work on the film. They start at the project’s origins and go all the way through production providing invaluable recollections on how the various effects were achieved.

Composer Akira Ifukube talks about his long, illustrious career and, of course, his groundbreaking work on Godzilla. He talks about his humble beginnings in forestry to how he eventually got involved in scoring films.

A trading ship picks up a mysterious man adrift at sea. His name is Edward Parker (Arlen) and he was on a ship that sunk. The ship that rescues him is chock full of exotic animals headed for an unnamed island owned by the enigmatic Dr. Moreau (Laughton). The surly captain (Fields) tosses Parker onto Moreau’s cargo ship headed for the island. The first thing that strikes Parker is the oddness of Moreau’s crew who resemble cave men – the missing link between ape and man. At first, Moreau seems like a refined chap. He gives Parker a tour of the island as casually as if he were showing him around his house, only he occasionally scatters the inhabitants with a whip. Moreau is a scientist who experiments on animals in an attempt to transform them into human beings.

He decides to introduce Parker to Lota, the Panther Woman (Burke) and see how she reacts to him. Clearly he sees Parker as nothing more than a new variable in his vast experiment. Rather disconcertingly, Parker hears the occasional screams of agony coming from the “House of Pain,” the laboratory where Moreau creates his animal-human hybrids. It is a striking scene of sadism and pain, which still holds up today.

Charles Laughton infuses a bemused gleam in the eye of Moreau but we soon find out it is the gleam of a mad man. He is fantastic as the brilliant scientist who has lost touch with reality and is consumed by his own ego. He plays a deliciously evil man who ambitiously meddles in things he shouldn’t and torments his experiments. Richard Arlen plays Parker as the film’s audience surrogate and voice of reason in a world gone mad. He’s outraged at the audacity of Moreau’s actions, most alarmingly, his notion of dabbling in God’s domain.

Island of Lost Souls is a thinking man’s horror film – one that wrestles with notions of evolution and experimentation as well as the ethics involved with both. Some times scientific advances are made without much thought about their ramifications and in the film this notion is embodied by Moreau. It is a story that has fascinated people for years. Wells’ book was adapted again in 1977 with Burt Lancaster and again, most notoriously, in 1996 with the production-plagued version starring Marlon Brando and Val Kilmer, but the 1932 film is still the best by far.

Special Features:

There is an audio commentary by film historian Gregory Mank. He points out that the film tested the limits of just how far a horror film could go in pre-code Hollywood. Paramount, the studio responsible for it, was interested in making more daring, sexier films and really pushed the limits with this one. Mank gives us a brief production history, telling some fascinating filming anecdotes in this engaging and informative track.

There is an entertaining conversation between filmmaker John Landis, legendary makeup artist Rick Baker and horror film fan Bob Burns. They cover horror films in the 1930’s before shifting the focus to Island of Lost Souls. They point out that it was an A-movie with a large budget that did not do well when it was released. Baker says that this is best version of Wells’ book and marvels at the makeup effects. Burns provides fascinating details about the film’s makeup artists.

Film historian David J. Skal talks about H.G. Wells and his unique brand of science fiction. He wrote politicized genre fiction. Skal also discusses Victoria era horror literature, which was often pre-occupied with evolution.

Filmmaker Richard Stanley attempted to adapt Wells’ book in 1996 but was fired early in the production. He talks about what attracted him to the source material, including several of its themes, which he says are still relevant today. The filmmaker talks about how the book differs from the various film versions and also discusses his attempt to adapt it, including sneaking back onto the set after being fired.

Gerald Casale and Mark Mothersbaugh, founding members of the band Devo, talk about the influence of the film on their music. It spoke to and made them acutely aware of the times in which they lived in. Also included is their 1976 short film, which featured Devo songs, “Secret Agent Man” and “Jocko Homo.”

Also included is a Stills Gallery of makeup tests and promotional shots.

Finally, there is a theatrical trailer.

Much like Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956), the opening credits play over clouds moving through the sky, which establishes a subtle, ominous tone right from the start. A couple out walking one night are nearly killed by a rocketship that crash lands nearby. There is a cool-looking shot of the craft sticking out of the ground that is ever-so creepy as well. The Ministry of Defense arrives on the scene and Dr. Bernard Quatermass (Donlevy) immediately takes control, barking orders.

He’s headed an experimental program that sent three astronauts into outer space. Only one has managed to survive and Victor Carroon (Wordsworth) stumbles from the wreckage before passing out. The other two are inexplicably missing. Victor is in a state of shock but manages to utter the words, “help me.” Victor’s wife Judith (Dean) and a friend manage to sneak the astronaut out of the hospital where he is under observation (what kind of security do they have?) but he kills the man by literally draining the life out of him. Victor is soon loose on the streets of London with Quatermass and his team in hot pursuit.

Brian Donlevy plays Quatermass as a no-nonsense man of science who, at times, speaks like a character out of a Mickey Spillane novel with such choice tough guy talk like, “I’m a scientist not a fortune teller predicting the future.” Another gem comes a little later on when he tells a fretting Judith, “There’s no room for personal feelings in science!” Richard Wordsworth is quite good as the tortured astronaut rapidly losing his humanity as he finds himself cursed with an affliction that forces him to drain the life from others. He doesn’t any have any dialogue but his expressive eyes and body language convey his character’s tortured emotions.

Guest employs several effective moments of dread, like how the camera gradually moves in on a shot of bushes at night where Victor is hiding and then reveals only a glimpse of his face. Guest also creates an air of authenticity by shooting largely on location, which only enhances the atmosphere of the film.

Like many science fiction films of the 1950’s, The Quatermass Xperiment is a parable about the hubris of science and how we are subsequently punished for overstepping our bounds. Many films from this decade dealt with threats from outer space and this one is no different. One can even see its influence in a film like Tobe Hooper’s Lifeforce (1985), which features vampiric aliens from outer space that drain the life from their victims. Filmmaker John Carpenter has also cited this film as a major influence on his own work.

Special Features:

Theatrical trailer.

When ground control receives mysterious transmissions from the only three inhabitants on the Solaris space station, they send cosmonaut and psychologist Kris Kelvin (Banionis) to check it out because the powers that be believe the people on the space station are experiencing hallucinations from unknown phenomena. He arrives to find the station in disarray and Snaut (Yarvet), one of the inhabitants, acting twitchy. He tells Kelvin that one of them has committed suicide and that Sartorius (Solonitsyn) has also gone crazy. Kelvin tries to figure out what went wrong and begins to experience hallucinations in the form of his deceased wife Hari (Bondarchuk). She committed suicide awhile ago and Kelvin is still dealing with feelings of grief and guilt. He knows she’s not real but still finds himself under her thrall and desperate to redeem himself.

Like Kubrick, Tarkovsky favors long takes, deliberately slow pacing and employing a widescreen frame to depict the unfolding drama. Solaris is the cinematic equivalent of a mood ring as Tarkovsky alternates between a cold blue look and a warm, sun-kissed look that depends on the kind of emotion he wants to convey. He also alternates between black and white and color film stock.

Five years before Star Wars (1977), Solaris features a lived-in future world that flies in the face of the sterile look of 2001. Like Kubrick’s film, it is a meditative take on science fiction, investing the genre with deep emotions and intelligence as Tarkovsky wrestles with notions of identity and humanity as personified by Donatas Banionis’ haunted, soulful performance. Many years later, Steven Soderbergh made his own version of Stanislaw Lem’s novel in 2002 but his approach was closer to Kubrick’s vision of science fiction than Tarkovsky’s. The Russian film remains one of the undisputed masterpieces of the genre and this new edition, by the Criterion Collection, is a fitting tribute.

Special Features:

The first disc features an audio commentary by film scholars Vida Johnson and Graham Petrie, co-authors of The Films of Andrei Tarkovsky. They talk about a few of the Russian filmmaker’s key collaborators who worked with him on several films. Johnson touches upon the relationship between Tarkovsky and his lead actor, which lacked in communication at times. Petrie examines the differences between the source novel and the film. There is a nice mix of analysis and production information on this track.

The second disc includes nine deleted and alternate scenes. We see more of Kelvin and his dead wife Hari. Some of these scenes flesh out the character of Kelvin but one can see why they were removed.

Actress Natalya Bondarchuk is interviewed and talks about when she first met Tarkovsky and her impressions of him. Interestingly, she had already read Lem’s book. She speaks admiringly and honestly about her performance in the film.

Cinematographer Vadim Yusou is interviewed. He had worked with Tarkovsky on several films, including his grad film. He offers initial impressions while talking about the Russian filmmaker’s working methods. Yusou also talks about Tarkovsky’s intentions with Solaris.

The film’s art director Mikhail Romandin is interviewed. He talks about meeting Tarkovsky for the first time. He tells some engaging anecdotes about how poor they all were back in the day and, naturally, about his work on Solaris.

In an interview with composer Eduard Artemyev, he talks about his first meeting with Tarkovsky and how he went about composing Solaris’ unique soundtrack, utilizing the then emerging electronic music.

Finally, there is an excerpt from a Polish documentary about Stanislaw Lem who did not like Tarkovsky’s take on his novel. While the film placed an emphasis on Earth, Lem was interested in outer space.

The opening credits play over a series of unsettling psychedelic paintings of what appears to be an alien landscape while appropriately creepy atmospheric music by Leonard Morand sets just the right mood of dread. Queen of Blood is set in 1990 where traveling to the Moon is no problem, space stations exist there, and the powers that be are looking into exploring Venus and Mars for signs of intelligent life. Cue cool looking shots of matte paintings depicting life on these planets and footage of an alien race in shadows, which gives an ominous teaser of what’s to come.

We soon meet our hero, Allan Brenner (Saxon) as he has lunch with his girlfriend Laura James (Meredith) and two fellow astronauts, Paul Grant (Hopper) and Tony Barrata (Eitner). This gives the filmmakers a chance for some wonderfully cheesy banter but you can tell that Dennis Hopper and John Saxon aren’t taking it all that seriously. Their lunch is interrupted by an announcement by Dr. Farraday (a slumming Rathbone). He informs our heroes that they’ve finally received communication from an alien race that plans to send an ambassador to Earth.

The ambassador’s craft crashes on Mars and sends an SOS to Earth. So, Farraday sends Paul and Laura to check it out. When Paul and his crew run into trouble and find a dead alien on Mars, Alan and Tony fly there to help in the search for another alien craft. They find it and inside the sole survivor – a green-skinned female alien (Marly). While the first two thirds of Queen of Blood is all set-up, in the last third all hell breaks loose when alien queen wakes up.

It’s wild to see Dennis Hopper play such a straight-laced role, especially during this period in his career when he had been blacklisted in Hollywood and was relegated to doing American International Pictures (AIP) films for Roger Corman. Just two years later, he would direct, co-write and star in Easy Rider (1969). John Saxon, god bless him, does his best to play the square-jawed hero of the film without a hint of irony. Florence Marly has such an expressive face, which is good because as the alien queen she has no dialogue and uses her creepy smile to captivate the male astronauts. In a nice touch, she also sports a fantastic beehive hairdo that also resembles an onion!

The 1960’s representation of alien beings looks great and oddly more “alien” than a lot of contemporary alien invasion films. It may be due to the fact that the style of that decade looks so foreign to us now. There is a simplicity to their look that is refreshing and the unsettling music really helps sell the otherworldly nature of these beings. The interior of the alien spacecraft evokes the style of Mario Bava’s Planet of the Vampires, released a year earlier in 1965. I love the wonderfully clunky-looking astronaut gear – their helmets are huge and don’t move at all, restricting movement in an awkward way. There’s something great about knowing that all the special effects in Queen of Blood were done by hand. It gives everything an authentic quality. It doesn’t have the unreal artificiality of a lot of CGI – no matter how good it looks you know that what you’re seeing doesn’t exist. The hand-made sets and special effects have a clunky charm all their own and this is one of the pleasures of this film.

Special Features:

None.

No pressure then.

Despite the constant comparisons from fans and the media to the aforementioned Scottish actor who, out of respect for Matt Smith, we won’t name any further, Smith soon established himself in the role of the Doctor with maturity beyond his years (he supposed to be over 900 years old anyway).

As well as the not to be mentioned Scot leaving, the companions of yesteryear were no more either as this new Doctor also found himself with a new companion, a very attractive, long legged, flame haired Scot (different Scot) played by Karen Gillan. In the first episode, The Eleventh Hour, the Doctor arrives in Amy Pond’s garden and promises to take the young child on a wondrous adventure; he just needs to pop off for a few minutes. Despite waiting for him all night with her suitcase packed, when the Doctor finally returns Amy Pond has grown up by a decade and is somewhat put out that her childhood imaginary friend has returned, as promised, several years later.

This is somewhat of a clunky episode in terms of how it evolves, and how it establishes the Doctor’s new character as someone not to be trifled with – while displaying a montage of former Doctor incarnations. However, Smith does his best here and tries not to get lost in all of the action.

As the series progresses however he more than grows into the role, and even develops his own catchphrases and comedy props. For example, bow ties are most definitely cool as a result of the Doctor.

Stand out episodes of the season include the Weeping Angels two parter (which doesn’t quite live up to the quality of the first time we saw the Angels, but a moment in the second part has to be re-watched when you get to the end of the series – you’ll see what I mean) and the episode Vincent and the Doctor, where the Doctor and Amy meet a troubled, and penniless, Vincent Van Gogh.

As with all of the modern series of Doctor Who there is a theme running through the episodes which offers clues to the season’s climax, and this one is certainly a fitting climax as the future, present and past of the entire universe is at stake – and it could all be the Doctor’s fault. We’re treated to a physical wet dream for many Doctor Who fans as the Doctor’s fiercest enemies ally themselves together to defeat him once and for all, but in doing so aren’t they risking the universe themselves?

This is a great season, and Matt Smith has certainly defied his doubters (myself included) that he can replace David (whoops, nearly mentioned him there)… the previous actor to hold the role of Doctor Who.

Fez’s are also cool.

Ghostbusters (1986) is one such film. I bought that on DVD before I had a DVD player when I imported it from the USA. It was my first Blu-Ray purchase and even bought a Laserdisc player all those years ago just because of it.

Flash Gordon (1980) is another of those films. I already own two different DVD versions and the Laserdisc version. Its release on Blu-Ray was circled in my diary (or at least it would have been had I owned a diary, but you get the idea). Flash Gordon and I go way back, back to a time when I still believed in Father Christmas. I first saw Flash Gordon one Christmas Eve on my black and white portable (if only I knew the spectacle of colour that I was missing) while I was looking out of my bedroom window to see if Father Christmas was coming. This must have been around 1985, and to this day Flash Gordon brings back memories of my childhood and makes me feel like no other film does.

I have even met both of the film’s leads, Sam J. Jones and Melody Anderson. They’re both very nice people, and were more than happy to talk for far longer than any normal person would have been comfortable with. Meeting them in person only helped my opinion of the film, and allowed me to slip further under its spell.

So what is it about Flash Gordon that makes it such a classic of modern cinema, when many critics would (and have) simply dismiss it as hokum?

Firstly, the film is unashamedly camp. Ranging from the garish colours that dominate the picture, to Flash Gordon’s tiny leather trunks that he wears when he’s being executed (naturally, when going to your death a little pear of black leather trunks would be more than adequate, no?). Then of course there’s the music. How could we possibly review this film without mentioning the soundtrack? When you want portray an image of camp in your film, there’s really only one band to pull that off – Queen, fronted by the most outlandishly camp lead singer in history. Queen’s soundtrack is quite simply breathtaking, both as a soundtrack as an album in its own right. It’s also something I own, but that didn’t stop me getting the Flash Gordon Special Tin Edition on Blu-Ray, that comes with the Queen Soundtrack again.

Had to be done.

Once we’ve gotten over the camp nature of Flash Gordon – and I’m not quite sure we have yet – you have to move onto the scenery chewing nature of its cast. Topol, perhaps best known for his role in Fiddler on the Roof (1971), gets the ham going early in the film by pointing dramatically and declaring in his best Shakespearian voice ‘It’s an Attack!’ – but of course that’s not the hammiest line in the film – it’s not even close.

Helping Topol devour the garishly fabulous sets are such acting luminaries as Max von Sydow as Ming the Merciless. Max was born to play Ming as even looks like the character before the costume and make-up have been applied. His finest point in the film is probably during the wedding scene with Dale Arden (Melody Anderson), when he’s asked if he’ll take Dale to be his mistress of the hour, before replying ‘of the hour, yes’.

Hilarious.

We should also mention, as it sometimes gets lost amid all of the colour, music and ham, that former James Bond actor Timothy Dalton is also present, playing Prince Barin. Another Shakespearean actor, Dalton delivers his aggressive lines with real vigour, referring to Princess Aurora (Ornella Muti) as a ‘lying bitch’ and ordering the operatives in Ming’s palace to ‘Freeze yer bloody bastards!’.

Brilliant.

Now don’t panic, every fan of Flash Gordon knows there’s only one winner in terms of most over the top performance in this film. That prize goes to Brian Blessed in the role of Vultan. Blessed delivers his lines with the subtlety of a train crashing through the window of Mothercare, screaming classic lines of dialogue such as ‘Gordon’s Alive???’, and of course ‘DIIIIIVE!!!’.

The film is unashamed escapism, and allows you to remember what it was like when you were a child and the plot of a film was secondary to how many space battles it had, how many aliens were in it and how many times the bad guys thought they’d killed the hero.

Flash Gordon is a triumph of cinema, and one that could never be repeated or bettered – so don’t even try Hollywood, you have been warned.

Sadly the film hasn’t received 100% from me (as it would normally have done) due to the special features. All that exists on the Blu-Ray is an old interview with Director Mike Hodges, and a commentary from him. This film could have had so much more, such as old poster art, interviews with the cast, deleted scenes (oh how I’d have loved that) and maybe even an old episode of the original series of Flash Gordon?

There’s a lot they could have done, but didn’t. Despite that, this is Flash Gordon on Blu-Ray – get it now.

The Asylum is a studio rapidly acquiring fame for their ‘mockbusters’; films that have familiar titles and DVD covers, quite possibly designed to hornswaggle unwary grandparents into buying what they think is the latest box office smash for their grandchildren. Exhibit A, m’lud; Transmorphers: Fall of Man. In what must surely be a cosmic coincidence, The Asylum has released their take on the feared South American dwelling predators in the same month that Piranha 3D hits cinemas nationwide.

Thees ees the jongle, Meester Feetch

The plot unfolds thus: the US ambassador to Venezuela goes missing, along with a gaggle of busty beauties, during a boat trip along the Orinoco River. In order to defuse an international incident, Fitch (Paul Logan), a Special Forces lunkhead with abs you could grate cheese on, is sent in to investigate. As soon as he lands in Venezuela he is accosted by scientist Dr Munroe (played by 80′s pop neonate Tiffany, looking mumsy) who tells him that the ambassador had been munched down like a Twix by an experimental strain of piranha that escaped the lab. Of course, his nemesis in the Venezuelan army, Colonel Diaz (David Labiosa), doesn’t believe him. After Fitch obtains evidence that the pesky piscines are holed up near a dam, Diaz takes a squad of helicopters on a night mission to destroy them with rockets. With crushing predictability, Diaz bombs the dam to smithereens, unleashing the genetically engineered fish.

What follows is a race against time, as Fitch, Munroe and a couple of other scientists try to stop the vicious fishy bastards, which by now are doubling in size every few hours, from reaching Florida. To add to their woes, Diaz is in hot pursuit as he believes that the piranha are an American plot to overthrow his country.

It wasn’t terrorists – it was giant piranha!

There’s so much wrong with this film, I don’t know where to begin. Any attempt at applying logic to it will result in an aneurysm.

There are several truly dumb things that stand out. As the piranha get bigger and travel further down the river, for absolutely no reason at all they begin jumping out of the water into buildings… and exploding.

In a scene that is possibly the highlight of the movie, Fitch kickboxes a dozen of them senseless; lying on the bank of a harbour, they jump towards him one at a time and he dispatches them in a flailing, cackhanded way that put me in mind of the great John Saxon in Enter the Dragon.

After the US navy fail to destroy the fish with a tactical nuclear assault, Fitch and a bunch of scuba divers are sent to shoot them… with guns. Special underwater guns that work underwater, and were designed to “take out nuclear subs“, underwater. Whilst they’re swimming about, taking potshots, they’re talking to each other via radio even though they’ve got scuba mouthpieces clamped firmly in their gobs. Even Ray Allen couldn’t have managed that one with Lord Charles.

All this is before I start ranting about the lamest car chase in history (where the continuity is so bad, the make of car keeps changing mid chase), the terrible acting, risible dialogue, dubbing that even a Mr Muscle advert would laugh at and the fact that the makers pilfered Deep Blue Sea‘s best scene (yes, there was one).

At the start of the film, Fitch has the best ideas to deal with the problem – zap ‘em with electricity or tip acid into the water – but these are dismissed as “electricity might make them breed”, even though later on it’s established that they’re hermaphrodites and don’t need to do the nasty to have baby piranha. I won’t give the ending away, but considering that these fish are f*cking nuclear bomb proof, it’s breathtakingly stupid.

We’ll stop them alright, but the Greenpeacers won’t like it!

I had seen Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus, starring Debbie Gibson, before this, so I knew what to expect. Despite myself, I enjoyed it, and I’m pleased to say that this is a much better film. It’s not weighed down with exposition, and moves along at a fair old clip. Of course, the effects are terrible, but this just adds to the charm of seeing a piranha the size of a yacht chewing on a nuclear submarine or leaping out of the sea to snatch a helicopter. Even though tongues are firmly in cheeks, there are still some unintentional laughs to be had; take the scene transitions, for instance. In an effort to emulate shows like 24, they are all accompanied by a swoosh, a bang, and speeded up footage that has the protagonists looking like they’re in a Benny Hill chase sketch. Using the same footage for it time and again just makes it funnier.

If you check your brain in at the door before watching this, I guarantee you will love it. The only thing it’s lacking is the presence of Happy Shopper Steven Seagal, Lorenzo Lamas. I wonder how The Asylum will top this, and I suspect a Tiffany/Debbie Gibson smackdown may be on the cards. If so, I want to be in on it at the ground floor – my script for Laser Crab Vs Sea Cucumber is on its way to them as I speak…

Based loosely on the 1999 novel by science fiction writer Robert J. Sawyer, the show was originally developed at HBO. However, executives there felt that it was better suited for a broadcast network and sold it to ABC. David S. Goyer (the Blade trilogy) wrote the pilot, along with Brannon Braga (Star Trek: The Next Generation), and they both served as executive producers.

All good science fiction shows start off with a great premise and Flashforward’s is a doozy. FBI Special Agent Mark Benford (Fiennes) wakes up in a crash with his car turned upside down. He crawls out of the wreckage to find the world around him in utter chaos. We flashback a few hours and meet a wide variety of characters. Suddenly, in the middle of their respective lives, they all simultaneously blackout for 137 seconds during which time they experience visions of their lives six months in the future.

This phenomenon appears to have affected everyone in the world except, for some unknown reason, Benford’s partner, Demetri Noh (Cho), who experienced no flashforward. He interprets this to mean that he’s going to die. Flashforward explores how a diverse cast of characters interpret and react to their own flashforwards with the focus on Benford’s investigation of the blackout. In his flashforward, he saw the results of the investigation into the global blackout and uses it to recreate the investigation in the present. Over the course of the first ten episodes, many of the characters uncover all kinds of tantalizing clues.

The show takes this intriguing premise and runs with it in a compelling way with the FBI investigation being the most interesting storyline and the one that drives the narrative. It would be a shame if this show was canceled before it got a chance to offer some resolution for its loyal fans.

Special Features:

“Creating Catastrophe: The Effects of a Global Blackout” takes a look at how they shot the blackout sequence with all kinds of stunts and special effects. Obviously, a lot of planning went into it and this extra sheds light on what it took to pull it off.

“Flashforward: A Look Ahead” features a clip from an upcoming episode.

“Could” is a teaser for the remaining episodes for this season.