Long Time Dead
September 15, 2003
Director:
Marcus Adams,
Starring:
Joe Absolom, Lara Belmont, Melanie Gutteridge, Lukas Haas, James Hillier, Alec Newman, Mel Raido, Marsha Thomason, Tom Bell,
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What an utterly incompetent piece of absolute garbage, can someone please tell me how movies like this get made? On my Episode 1 rating (You know how bad Episode 1 is? Well I now rate movies as to how long they take me to get restless, bored and angry as that George Lucas trash did) this rates a 7. That’s 7 minutes it took me to realise I was watching a stinker; even Rancid Aluminium scored a 10!
The plot, such as it is, is that a group of teens decide to have some fun with a ouija board but inadvertently raise an evil Djinn, who then sets about killing them all in gruesome ways. So OK, we’re in comfortable teen horror movie territory here, but wait, there’s been so many of these movies recently, we need to find a new spin on it, right? So what can we do? I know, great idea, let’s just do the same old crap, but let’s make it British! Yep, instead of annoying American high-school kids getting gutted instead we get annoying Brits. And that’s it. Acting is appalling, direction sub-standard, writing woeful, even the production values are on the shoddy side. At least the ‘enjoyment’ in these movies is seeing people murdered in gory ways, but here the killings happen off screen. And every bad horror-movie cliché is relentlessly churned out, then used again for good measure, and again, and again.
Example, the old staple of young guy (let’s call him Chad), unwisely exploring shadowy lit basement hears loud thump, so nervously calls out name of his buddy, `Chris? Chris, is that you? Hey man, quit screwing around!’ But Chris doesn’t reply. So, tentatively, Chad walks down the corridor, slowly at first, then building up a little as he nears the door. And as the sweat breaks out on his revered brow and he strains to hear every sound, he tentatively reaches out an outstretched hand to the door knob, yanking it open in terrified despair only for Chris to jump out at him and shout `Got you Chad!’
Yahhhhh!
How many times have we seen this fake tension builder before, I ask you? Well obviously not enough, because director Marcus Adams uses it five times in this movie; I know, because I counted! I mean, what gives? Does Marcus Adams want to be the next Danny Cannon? They even had a spooky old man, straight out of Scooby Doo, who pops up at appropriate times saying things like, `You kids don’t know what you’re dealing with here!’ And this took four people to write?!
Ahh! I refuse to write any more and waste my time on such junk.
THE HORROR!
Rating: 53%
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